5th Year and Malfoy's gone mad
by DecayAndDeath
Summary: In the middle of the year, Professor Dolores Umbridge disappears and the DADA post goes to Lucius Malfoy. Severus Snape, Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy might have a few problems with that... oh, and Lucius is just about to go completely crazy. AU; SLASH, naughty language, complete crack
1. Prologue

It was the second of February when Dolores Umbridge, Undersecretary of the Minster Cornelius Fudge, vanished. Rumours say that her office was completely destroyed, a single blood quill lying untouched on the roughly handled work desk. Important papers now were a bunch of unrecognisable snippets. Portraits of cats, the chair and pink tapestry were tor open, gaping, as if they were trying to tell somebody who had done such a thing.

Obviously, the students couldn't say if those rumours were the mere truth or not, but three out of four houses and mainly all of the teachers were undeniably relieved, because Professor Umbridge wasn't the nicest person around.

Investigations lead by Aurors came to a halt when it was found out that Umbridge had used the blood quill, an illegal artefact to cause pain and scarring, on children not even reached age eleven.

The spring settled in, many young witches and wizards who were studying the craft of magic in Hogwarts, one of the most famous schools for witchcraft and wizardry, were, now that the long and cold winter was finally gone, playing or just staying outside in the newly come out sun.

Nearly a month had gone by since the Defence against Dark Arts teacher had gone missing. In the meantime, Professors Severus Snape, Minerva McGonagall, Albus Dumbledore and Pomona Sprout taught the course.

Breakfast announced the start of a new day. The student's eyes, however, were not drawn to the delicious food or the paintings hanging in the Great Hall or to the ghosts who had also whispered to themselves by the time they had laid their gazes on the teacher's table.

Lucius Malfoy was sitting with a stern glare at the front table.

Dumbledore stood up and an immediate silence occurred.

"As you see, we have a new member of staff. Professor Malfoy and the Gryffindor and Slytherin fifth years are having the first lesson together on Monday. Alas" he shook his goblet "we should be enjoying breakfast, now!"

On the Gryffindor table was Harry Potter, thinking "_Shit"._

On the Slytherin table was Draco Malfoy, thinking "_Bugger"._

On the teacher's table was Albus Dumbledore, his eyes practically glowing as he looked at Severus Snape who was thinking "_Fuck"._

And so, on the 23rd of February, 1996, three people were seriously damned, if for different reasons.


	2. First Lesson, Monday

"As your new Defence teacher, I will make the rules in this classroom. I will decide when the lesson is over and I _will _not hesitate to remove points. Here, in this room, you are all the same. There is no Gryffindor or Slytherin, as there will be no Slytherin or Gryffindor on the field or in work. Do you understand?"

Lucius Malfoy stood with a proud pose in front of the students. It was Monday, the first class he had to teach and he wouldn't make faults in letting them think they were something better if they were Slytherins.

Draco Malfoy had anticipated it. His father may be a downright aristocrat when seen outside or at the Ministry, but he was also a Malfoy: Sly, cunning and always finding potential where other people couldn't find any.

This time, it was the Gryffindors.

The younger Malfoy couldn't help but to feel excited. He knew his father's methods.

Unbeknownst to Draco and Harry, Severus Snape had taken the task of supervising Malfoy senior. Hidden behind 'Know-Me-Not's and the spell Albus had provided him all those years ago, he let his eyes wander over Lucius Malfoy's body.

Long legs, in very... touchy... trousers, long hair braided into a loose pony tail, long lashes, pale skin... delicate, but at the same time athletic built and toned anatomy... and those lips... those sexy, thin lips... _oh fuck!_

Severus clearly had not intended on being helplessly stuck in a classroom with a boner on a Monday morning.

As the situation was, he tried to make the best out of it.

_Try to ignore it like back at school... like in the days when Lucius had begun sucking on lollipops whenever I looked... what his mouth could do to my...DAMN!_

And suddenly, Severus had the Gryffindor and Slytherin fifth years staring at him.

You could literally hear a pin drop.

Severus had forgotten to keep the spell on himself.

"Well then, I will just... go, I guess..." Snape mumbled gravelly and the class really tried not to lift an eyebrow at the white spot on Professor Snape's trousers as said person strode out of the room.

Lucius cleared his throat.

"Now, I could have told him that I knew he was hiding there, but it's a man's greatest weakness if one is unprepared of being discovered. In those cases, you might tell your opponents false information, or at least safe one! Well, please open your new Defence books at page seven; Mr Potter, please begin to read..."

Yes, that was definitely his father. Draco rolled his eyes.


	3. Interlude I-Dinner

A/N: You must always remember this is absolutely cracky and shitty! Have fun, ya'll

* * *

Harry was nearly dead by dinner's time. Last night, nightmares had kept him awake and now it was difficult to not fall asleep.

Ron stuffed himself with roast chicken and Hermione shot him a couple of dark glances, which were, would she be a basilisk, quite lethal. They decided it was the best to ignore Harry's sleepiness, because however much they loved their friend, he wasn't on good terms with that topic. Mind you, he wasn't throwing a tantrum (like Dudley, for example) when asked, but sulking would be achieved.

Hermione and Ron didn't want Harry to be sulking again because last time it was a menace.

"Potter, I see you didn't sleep well, huh?" A suddenly popped up Draco asked.

Harry's eyes had gone blank. He responded with "No, I didn't."

Hermione was shocked. Veritaserum! Someone (someone blond with a name that begins with Mal- and ends with –foy) had spiced Harry's juice with Veritaserum. Hopefully, Malfoy wouldn't be asking-

"And Potter? Had some wet dreams?"

-any unpleasant questions. Well, Hermione thought, considering the circumstances it isn't a really bad questions that would lead to great chaos, but still...

Hermione snarled "Malfoy, leave Harry alone!"

Harry, who was looking into nothingness, answered Draco nonetheless.

"No. We just had a date. And a kiss when I brought you back to your Manor. And you had a purple dress on. It suited you."

The hall had gone silent. Lucius' eyebrows rose. It was really the second time this day something similar happened. At first Severus, now Mr Potter's love declarations to his son. The elder Malfoy's eyelid twitched at an alarming rate.

"I definitely need more Calming Draught" he silently mused.

At the same time, Draco's cheeks were tinted rosy. Then he remembered he really was a Malfoy and asked "So... you dreamt about me wearing a dress? Are you a poof?" In hindsight it was a dumb sentence he spoke. Not only because his father's gay, but also because he was.

"Yes" Harry said sincerely.

A dramatic gasp could be heard throughout the Great Hall. Women who wanted to date the Boy Who Lived began to cry in outrage, Lucius and Severus sighed annoyed, Draco's mouth hung open, Albus Dumbledore's eyes twinkled like stardust just hit them and Ginny Weasley had fainted and woke up a second later, yelling at Harry the following: "I THOUGHT YOU WOULD MARRY ME! I PLANNED IT ALL! I WOULD HAVE WORN A PURPLE DRESS ONLY FOR YOU! HOW COULD YOU?!"

Harry said "You would have looked terrible in a purple dress."

Lucius decided he needed more than Calming Draught after this.


End file.
